Sexy. Successful. Single.

I recently broke up with a guy. And in the course of the final conversation, I kept waiting for one word to come out of his mouth—one word I knew was coming and that I still hated. Sure enough, out it came. Intimidate. As in, “you intimidate me.”
See, I am, objectively speaking, quite successful. I had a brilliant high school career, went off to a prominent college with academic scholarship in hand, finished in three years, graduated magna cum laude, and went off to law school (that’s still in progress). This guy, while possessing a natural, easy-going intelligence and a lot of wit, did not have much of anything in the way of degrees. I honestly didn’t care, because I found enough other attractive qualities in him. And I did not drone on and on and on about school or my sparkling resume. I honestly would rather talk about music. Or even sports. I actually consciously tried to downplay by academic/professional success. But it obviously mattered to him. He had the typical male response to a young woman more successful than him. He fled.
I honestly do not blame this particular guy or guys in general for this phenomenon. I hate guy-bashing and I don’t like women who do it. Whether by nature—genes hard-wired for competition, fighting, and going out to kill mammoths—or nurture—several thousand years of power and prestige and dominance—guys want to be more successful than women, and they are going to feel threatened by more dominant women. I don’t blame them for being this way, because I truly believe that most guys do not actively choose to be assholes.
Instead, I blame all the people and institutions that told me, as a clearly intelligent young girl growing up, “Go ahead. Break the glass ceiling. Be all that you can be. Guys love strong, successful, smart women.” What they should have told me is, “You certainly have the ability and potential to be successful in this world. But it won’t come without a price. Guys are funny creatures, and they might not take kindly to a girl like you.”
I feel like there was a massive cover-up—that the first few generations of feminists kept the truth to themselves to keep the process going and raise more generations of female over-achievers. If they had let out the secret, then maybe high school girls wouldn’t be so paranoid about getting better grades in math and would slump back into their pre-feminist malaise. I feel like I’ve been duped. They presented to me in my highly impressionable youth, a picture of a “have-it-all” kind of life, with the big job, the handsome husband, and the cute baby. And millions of women have already found out for themselves (hello Jennifer Aniston) how hard it is to attain this picture.
All these sources denied that I might even have to make a choice—between being a successful, high-powered woman and getting a successful, high-powered, non-threatened man. Of course, this is an impossible choice to make. But just acknowledging that it is a real, present choice in the world would make working around it a little bit easier. I’m sick of hearing “Guys love confident, successful women.” If this is not an outright lie, then it is a woefully incomplete statement. “Guys love confident, successful women. As long as they are not more confident and successful than them.” At least then I could avoid feeling like such a failure—sparkling resume, but deadly dull personal life.
Women should thus tone down the rhetoric and start telling the harsh truth—it might be very hard to find a man that is not threatened by you, but you should keep trying. Even though it’s tempting, never play dumb. Just don’t play Oprah.
Guys can also help by trying not to get intimidated or threatened. This will of course present great difficulties for them. But if they can just learn to shut off massive parts of their DNA, then I could get a boyfriend. Any guys out there who can explain? I honestly would love to hear the straight story from a male on this subject.
Of course, in my case, the intimidation factor may come from either success or intelligence. I’ve intimidated both males and females with my intelligence. And the two are not the same. You can always make the decision to talk or not to talk about your academic/professional achievements. But you can’t (believe me I’ve tried) turn off your own natural qualities to the extent that someone won’t notice them.
So what do I want? I certainly don’t want to sacrifice success for sex. But I also really do like guys and I would like one in my life. To accomplish this, I think we just need more open, honest communication, with each side willing to give a little. Guys have to give a little of their balls, and girls have to learn again how to effectively stroke the male ego.